


nosedive in the floodlines

by nykteris



Category: Gugudan (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-12 00:30:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7913428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nykteris/pseuds/nykteris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bora says, "Let's break up." Easy, quick, as painless as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nosedive in the floodlines

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as a convo about a drabble and somehow it spiralled into this what the fuck. dedicated to sui, my newfound writer buddy, and the one who egged me on to write this ♡ also dedicated to my elliot, because we never intended to make hanayoung a thing but look at where we are now (hint: it's a trash can) ♡
> 
> title is from 'pink + white' by frank ocean, and orginially inspired by 'church rave in miami' by honne.

Bora says, "Let's break up." Easy, quick, as painless as possible.  
  
Nayoung's grip tightens around her mug. The steam rises from her coffee, still fresh and now it leaves a very bitter and heavy taste in her mouth. Nayoung lets go of her mug, pushes it away and says, "Okay."  
  
Bora doesn't say anything after that. She walks past her, leaves for work and the door shuts with a click that has a certain air of finality to it. Nayoung gets up from her seat and walks over to the sink. Wordlessly, she pours out all of the coffee in her mug.  
  
This was all bound to happen and Nayoung knows it. She's known all along.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

  
Home doesn't feel like home anymore. At least to Nayoung, anyway. She wonders if Bora feels the same way, but between the two of them, Bora had always been the more unreadable of the two. It never used to bother Nayoung before but these days it unnerves her and makes her anxious, makes her itch to know just what's going on in the other girl's head when they're together.  
  
No, home doesn't feel like home anymore and Nayoung feels like she's been scooped out empty on the inside. She's been feeling that way for quite some time now.  
  
Dinner is torture, it's long and dragging and agonizingly quiet. They sit on opposite ends of the table at the kitchen, and it really does feel like they're in two separate planets, feels like they don't even know each other (anymore). Nayoung ponders over a lot of things as she idly chews on her food, sneaking glances at Bora who is doing the same thing.  
  
There was never a third party involved, that much Nayoung is absolutely sure of. Bora had always been loyal, sometimes to a fault, and despite everything, she still had Nayoung's heart in a silver cage, so try as the world might, Nayoung could never just fall for anyone else. Maybe that was the problem, or at least maybe that was the problem with Nayoung: she gave Bora everything, gave Bora her love, but she's running out. She gave Bora time and space and everything she thought Bora needed and wanted, everything Bora asked for, if only to delay the ending. It seemed to do neither of them any good, only making the distance between them grow bigger and more frightening everyday. Nayoung lets her mind run over and process everything, tries to break down her memories to find any signs of problems in their relationship, but she can't find anything and she's back to the same conclusion (and the only one that made any real sense to her): Bora's fallen out of love with her. She glances up from her plate to look at Bora, who looks up at the same time, and they're locked in each other's gazes. Not for the first time, Nayoung wonders just what's going on in her head.  
  
They finish dinner and clean the dishes. Bora goes to bed ahead of Nayoung, and Nayoung busies herself with paperwork. When the clock strikes twelve, Nayoung decides to go to bed; she hadn't gotten much work done anyway given how her thoughts were all over the place. She opens the door to their bedroom and her heart feels heavy in her chest again. Quietly, she walks to the bed and takes up her spot beside Bora, who has her back turned to her. She lightly traces patterns and words on Bora's back, words she can't seem to say and words that have slowly or long since lost the meaning and weight they used to hold for the two of them. She feels Bora's back tense and her fingers stop moving; slowly, Bora turns to face her, and they're stuck staring at each other in silence.  
  
So this is what it's like knowing nothing is right anymore, Nayoung thinks. She pulls her hand back.  
  
"Will we ever be okay again?" Bora asks, her voice so soft it's just barely above a whisper. Nayoung can sense the exhaustion in her voice, can sense the weariness.  
  
The ending is in sight ― Nayoung is well aware of this, of course ― but all Nayoung says in reply is, "We'll be fine."  
  
"How can you be sure of that?" Bora asks, but to Nayoung it sounds like Bora is asking her to lie just one last time (how many 'one last times' have there been? Nayoung asks herself, because she's lost count; maybe Bora knows) and tell her that things will go back to how they used to be for them, just how they should be.  
  
Nayoung answers, "We'll be alright. We always manage to be." A lie, of course. Whatever state they are in right now is far from alright, far from fine, far from happy. All they have now is a ghost of a relationship, something that's become so founded on denial and lies, the end so long overdue.  
  
Bora takes Nayoung's hand in hers ― the same hand that Nayoung had used to trace patterns and words into Bora's skin ― and she lets her thumb rub gently over Nayoung's thumb. They continue to stare at each other, expressionless and wordless. Nayoung intertwines their fingers and for the first time in a long time, everything feels like how it used to be, even if just briefly. Bora says, "We'll be alright."  
  
A little lie never hurt anybody.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

That's what everyone said, anyway.

Bora is hurting. She’s hurting _a lot_ and it’s become so unbearable but it’s come to the point that she can only hold on to a lie to give her a false sense of reassurance or just something to keep her grounded, really. But it hurts ― it hurts a whole damn lot. She wonders if Nayoung feels the same way. In all honesty she always had a hard time cracking Nayoung’s thought process, always found her cryptic and tough to understand.

Bora is hurting and she feels hollow on the inside and every now and then she feels a little angry at herself, a little angry at Nayoung, a little angry at everything. Mostly she feels a dull aching in her chest and all she can do when she feels it is ask Nayoung if they’ll be okay and Nayoung will always say that yes, they’ll be okay, they’ll be alright. She knows Nayoung says this for her benefit ( _you’re practically begging her to lie to you, you fool_ ) and she knows in part it must be for Nayoung’s own benefit too. Though that’s just something Nayoung is good at, has always been good at: giving Bora anything and everything, whatever it might be, lies included. 

Sometimes Bora wishes she could just figure out what Nayoung was thinking.

One of Bora’s favorite things about Nayoung had always been her shy nature - she came off as cold and aloof to most but in truth she was just shy, a little too much actually, and preferred keeping to herself most times. Endearingly awkward is one way Bora would describe her, and that had always been fine with Bora; she’s a lot like that herself, truth be told, and she always preferred lazy Sunday afternoon spent at home with Nayoung over most things. (At least, she used to feel that way. Now all they have between them is heavy silence and it suffocates Bora.) When Bora thinks about it, she figures that maybe that one of the things she loved (loves, loved) best about Nayoung is also one of the problems now. It takes two to tango though, as the saying goes, so Bora has herself to blame too. They kept to themselves, they always have, but it was never a problem until now. They didn’t know how to speak to each other anymore, didn’t know how to talk to each other and make their pain be felt and known, didn’t know what exactly to say.

It suddenly hits her that she doesn’t remember the last time they said _I love you_ to each other. The realization makes her insides twist and tighten and ache. She doesn’t remember the last time Nayoung made her laugh or the last time Nayoung kissed her softly goodnight. It hurts to think about it.

Bora is hurting and she thinks that she can’t hurt any more than she already is, doesn’t want to hurt anymore. So when Nayoung says “ _We’ll be alright_ ”, Bora finally makes a decision for the both of them.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Bora takes everything that is hers and the apartment has never felt so empty as it does now. Something about it stifles Nayoung’s breathing and leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. But what’s done is done and now Bora has moved out and they’re not together anymore.

Her phone buzzes incessantly but she doesn’t answer any messages or calls. Still, she sneaks glances at her phone screen when it lights up in the foolish hope that maybe Bora will call or text her about maybe leaving something at the apartment and having to come back to get it. She knows it’s hopeless and stupid but a part of her still wishes and hopes beyond all hope that this is just some really, really horrible dream.

She waits and waits, tosses and turns, but she gets no missed calls or texts from Bora; all she gets is a text from Haebin ( _you haven’t been answering any of our texts or calls. are you okay?_ ) and another from Sejeong ( _hey, is everything okay? why aren’t you replying?_ ) which she doesn’t reply to either. A part of her wants to chuck her phone across the room just for the pleasure of watching it crack and break and for the glass screen to shatter. Instead, she just leaves it on the bedside table and makes herself some dinner (which really just means she pops some leftover pasta into the microwave and half-heartedly eats it; it tastes and feels like rubber in her mouth).

By one o’clock in the morning she has over thirty missed calls and almost twice as much unread texts notifications on Messenger ( _oi! answer, will you?_ Sojin says, _i’m seriously starting to worry about you, dumbass_ ). She skims through some and then puts her phone away again. She doesn’t like looking at it because her wallpaper is still a picture of the two of them, of her and Bora. It’s from their first date and it’s enough to make Nayoung want to cry, except she doesn’t. She turns off her phone eventually, having grown increasingly irritated with the buzzing. She sighs and buried her face into her pillow and she lets out a half-hearted scream into it. She sighs after, not feeling any better than she did earlier or at all.

Nayoung wonders if Bora’s deleted her number already.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Bora is lucky Xiening was kind enough to let her stay at her place before she finds a place of her own. Xiening says it’s no problem and that she really wouldn’t mind the company anyway, that Bora is always welcome and that this is no biggie. Bora thanks her of course, albeit curtly and with weak attempts at smiles, and Xiening just eyes her worriedly. Then, she smiles a soft and understanding smile and says nothing of it. _Do I really look_ that _miserable?_ Bora wonders to herself, half-amused.

She spends the rest of her time settling in and organizing her things. Some things she keeps inside the boxes for now, organizing her clothes and other necessities first and foremost. Xiening offers to help and Bora lets her, if only to have some company and someone to talk to, someone to distract her from her thoughts. Xiening actually does most of the talking and Bora is thankful for it because she knows that all she’ll ever talk about is Nayoung and the break-up and the last thing she wants to do is break down and cry. She’s had enough of crying. Xiening talks and Bora listens.

They don’t take very long unpacking most of her belongings. They order some pizza because Xiening gets lazy to cook sometimes and Bora doesn’t really mind what they eat as long as they eat. Truth is, she isn’t all that hungry; she hasn’t had much of an appetite all day but she eats generously when the pizza arrives. Xiening finishes most of it and saves a few slices in a tupperware before she shoves it into her fridge. Then, she makes tea for the both of them.

They’re sipping their tea silently when Xiening asks, “Do you want to talk about it?” She asks with a touch of caution.

Bora puts down her mug and lets her shoulders slump. “No. Not really.”

Xiening studies her silently before nodding. They go back to quietly sipping their tea. Xiening finishes hers first and she leaves the empty mug in the sink, not bothering to wash it; _Nayoung would have cleaned it right away_ , Bora thinks. But she shouldn’t be thinking of Nayoung, she has no business thinking of Nayoung. “I’ll clean up,” Bora offers, her voice dripping exhaustion and just slightly clipped. “You go ahead and do whatever it is you need to do.”

“You sure about that?” Xiening asks.

Bora shrugs. “Yeah.”

Xiening lets her do what she wants of course. Bora likes having something keep herself busy, and Xiening seems to understand this. She’s thankful for that too. Before Xiening leaves the apartment to go to work, she says, “Hey, if you ever need anyone to talk to or if you want to talk about it, I’m here. Okay?”

Bora freezes but she manages a ghost of a smile. “I know,” she answers dryly. Her voice sounds flat, lifeless. She had intended to say more ― maybe something along the lines of _I’ll be fine, I always manage to be so you shouldn’t worry about me_ ― but no other words escape her lips. Xiening leaves and Bora is all alone in the apartment.

Bora pulls out her phone from her pocket; she’d ignored it for most of the day and her notifications are a mess. She finds herself pressing on the Contacts button and she scrolls through the names of her contacts until her thumb is hovering above Nayoung’s name. She presses it and hits ‘Delete’, but she can’t get herself to press ‘Okay’. She heaves a heavy sigh and pockets the phone again.

 _You wanted this_ , Bora tells herself, anger swelling in her chest. _You don’t get to act like this because it was_ you _that wanted to end things. It was_ you _that wanted to stop pretending._ You _wanted this_.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

It’s like walking on eggshells when they’re around Nayoung. Two weeks have passed and Nayoung only seems to look even _worse_ than how she started. It worries her friends, of course, but there isn’t a whole lot they can do to help her when she rejects any form of consoling. Haebin and Sejeong are patient. Sojin tries her best to be patient too.

Today Nayoung agrees to go to lunch with Sejeong. She didn’t really want to go, preferring to just bury herself under all the paperwork and office work she could get her hands on, but Sejeong had insisted. “You can’t just go around skipping meals,” Sejeong had scolded her. “That’s not healthy at all. Have you seen your face? Your cheeks have hollowed in.” Nayoung allows Sejeong to drag her out of the office today only because she knows how persistent Sejeong is and because she actually was quite hungry.

“Haebin tells me Somi’s back,” Nayoung says, an attempt at small talk. They’d been eating in silence for the most part, with Sejeong trying to start up conversations but ultimately giving up because of how unresponsive Nayoung is being. This time Nayoung tries to start the conversation, mostly because she feels bad. Sejeong’s face breaks into a grin that goes from ear to ear, her eyes curved into half-moons. It tugs at Nayoung’s heart strings but makes her heart feel heavy all at once. Her mind drifts to Bora (again, for the nth time, _always_ ) but she pushes the thoughts away. “When did she arrive?”

“Just yesterday,” Sejeong replies, enthusiastic and bright. “I wanted to pick her up at the airport but she wouldn’t let me."

“How long was she in Canada for?”

“Ten months, give or take.” Sejeong sighs contentedly, resting her chin in her palm. A giddy smile lingers on her lips. “I honestly thought I was going to go _insane_ from not seeing her for so long but I’m glad she’s here now and she can stay a little longer than usual.”

One corner of Nayoung’s mouth tugs upward in a lopsided smile. “You must have missed her, huh?” 

“ _God_ ,” Sejeong drawls, “You have no idea!” She looks like she wants to say more ― like she wants to talk about how much she’s missed her girlfriend, or about the things they plan to do while they’re together now, or about how fucking absolutely happy she is ― but she stops halfway. Nayoung starts to feel bad again because she knows Sejeong is only holding back to be considerate. Nayoung appreciates it but she also wishes she wouldn’t; she wishes Sejeong didn’t have to feel guilty about being happy or about how, despite their circumstances, she and Somi are happy. 

Nayoung clicks her tongue, though she isn’t really irritated. She just feels guilty that she’s making Sejeong feel guilty about her joy. “Hey, don’t do that, man,” she says. “You don’t need to act like that for my sake.”

Sejeong sighs. “How else am I supposed to feel, though? I don’t want to talk dreamily about my girlfriend to you when you’re, you know, like _this_.”

Nayoung frowns. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Come on,” Sejeong replies, smiling slightly, “you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s besides the point. I don’t want to make you feel awkward or worse than you already feel ― that much I can do as your friend.”

Nayoung doesn’t smile or say thank you. Something about it all just makes her feel a tad bit worse than she already feels. She’s lost her appetite too; she pushes her plate towards Sejeong and says, “You can have the rest of my salmon if you want.”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

One month and a half ― that’s how long it takes for Bora to finally find an apartment to herself. It isn’t nearly as big as Xiening’s but it’s enough for one person and is comfortable enough. The location isn’t bad either and the rent is reasonable. Xiening helps her move in, though there isn’t really any need for the extra hand. Bora appreciates it nonetheless and she lets Xiening envelope her in a tight and warm hug. “Just call me up if you need anything, okay? Anything at all,” Xiening says before she leaves and Bora answers, “I will.”

One month and a half ― that’s how long it takes Bora to get herself to try to socialize again or at least be more responsive to people. Mimi and Jaehwan are still careful around her, but the tension in their shoulders and the nervous back and forth glances they would throw each other are gone now, for the most part. Mimi takes her out shopping and to the spa. Jaehwan takes her out for dinner, to their favorite Italian restaurant. Smiles come easily now to Mimi and Jaehwan and Hana smiles back, with a little less difficulty now.

One month and a half ― and Bora still can’t delete Nayoung’s number from her phone or delete their pictures together. She hates herself the most when she’s feeling particularly lonely and she just stares at the pictures, her heart aching like it’s never ached before.

One month and a half ― that’s how long it’s been but it feels like an eternity of hell to Bora. She hadn’t even realized she’d been keeping count of the days.

One month and a half and Bora is still far from okay. At least she’s gotten a bit better at numbing down her pain.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Nayoung wonders if Bora thinks of her.

Bora wonders if Nayoung thinks of her, too.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

By the four month mark, Nayoung rings Sojin’s number and says, “I want to go out for a drink.” There is silence on the other end of the call, hesitation, but eventually Sojin says, “Okay.”

Sojin brings her to their favorite bar downtown, because she knows Nayoung is a mess (has been a mess all this time) and she doesn’t want fancy clubs and fancy dresses and alcohol with fancy names and prices that would give anyone a heart attack. No, Sojin knows Nayoung a little better than most people so she knows that all Nayoung wants is to get drunk and stupid and not care about work the next day and not think about Bora ― _fuck_ , all she wants to do is stop thinking of Bora and stop hurting.

Sojin lets her have her way because nothing she does gets through to Nayoung and maybe what Nayoung needs is to break down, to be broken down, before she can get back up and mend herself. So Nayoung drinks and drinks until her head is heavy on her shoulders and the world is spinning all around her and Sojin’s carrying her out of the bar, muttering something that Nayoung doesn’t catch.

The cab ride makes her even dizzier than she already feels and by the time Sojin’s managed to practically haul and drag her back into her apartment, Nayoung stumbles into the bathroom and vomits out the contents of her stomach. Sojin is with her the entire time, holding her hair back from her face and mumbling “You’ll be alright, you’ll be alright”. Nayoung is left with a horrible and bitter taste in her mouth after. Sojin asks her if she’s okay, if she needs anything, and instead of answering, Nayoung starts sobbing. She sobs until her breaths come in sharp and shaky and then she’s full-out crying. Sojin pulls her in and holds her tight as she cries the hardest she’s cried in so long.

Nayoung feels exhausted, feels drained, feels everything all at once. She feels the weight of the world, feels the weight of love, feels the weight of heartbreak, on her shoulders. She feels like she’s drowning and her heart feels like a deadweight tied around her ankles, making her sink further to the bottom, into the deep dark trenches of the ocean. Sojin strokes her hair consolingly but it does nothing to soothe Nayoung; she cries until she has nothing left to cry out.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Bora hears about it from Mimi, who hears about it from Haebin. She remains neutral and expressionless as Mimi tells her about it; of course, Mimi proceeds with caution, choosing her words very carefully and delicately so as not to upset Bora. Bora pretends to not be affected, or at least she tries not to let it show. When Mimi leaves to go out for lunch with some of their co-workers, Bora lets out the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding in all this time. 

 _Nayoung, you idiot_ , Bora thinks, resigned. _You never could handle your alcohol well and you decide to do_ that _?_ It’s like second nature to her to pull out her phone and looks for Nayoung’s number again. She almost hits the call button but she stops herself. _You have no business doing that now, not anymore. You_ shouldn’t _be doing anything like that_. She puts her phone away and closes her eyes.

“Nayoung, you idiot,” Bora mutters under her breath. A memory comes to mind, all of a sudden: it was the first time Bora had gone out with Nayoung and her friends. She liked them a lot, and she still does now. They’d gone to Nayoung and Sojin’s favorite bar and Nayoung didn’t even drink half as much as Sojin or Haebin or Sejeong did but she was already red in the face and too obnoxiously loud and touchy. Bora remembers that day well because it was the day she found out Nayoung’s alcohol tolerance was shit and she had to help Nayoung back to her apartment (they weren’t living together yet at the time). She had muttered the same thing then ― “Nayoung, you _idiot_ ” ― but she found it very endearing how Nayoung clung onto her and begged her to stay. Bora remembers how Nayoung had peppered her face with kisses and how they fell into a fit of giggles before Nayoung conked out in the blink of an eye. Bora had stayed the night and Nayoung treated her to breakfast.

A wave of sadness washes over Bora and she wishes she could just stop living in the past, back when they were happier and back when things were simpler. She’s snapped out of her reverie when Hongbin asks, “Are you okay?”

Bora opens her eyes and finds Hongbin watching her with a worried expression on his face. She gulps down the lump in her throat and forces a smile. “Yeah,” she lies. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Hongbin purses his lips. Then, he reaches for the box of tissues on his desk and hands it to Bora. “You, uh…” He points at her cheeks. “Uh, yeah.”

Bora blinks at him and lets her fingers graze her cheek. She’s surprised ― she hadn’t even realized tears had fallen. She yanks one piece of tissue from the box and lightly dabs her eyes and cheeks with it. Hongbin observes her pensive demeanor before he places the box of tissues on his desk and smiles before turning back to his work. Bora crumples up the tissue in her hand.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Sojin calls it _catharsis_. Nayoung thinks Sojin is full of shit sometimes but maybe she’s on to something.

“You can’t move on if you don’t let all of that out,” Sojin had said. She’d fixed up some porridge after Nayoung puked her guts out and cried her eyes out. She made some hot chocolate too, for good measure. “You getting fuckfaced drunk isn’t the smartest or healthiest way to do it, but hey, it’s still one step closer.”

Nayoung asked, “One step close to what?”

“Recovery,” Sojin replied. “Sometimes you need to be broke down before you build yourself back up. You’ve gotta let it all out. You know, catharsis.”

Nayoung had snorted then but she thinks about it frequently now. A month has passed ― they are now in the five month mark ― since that event, but Nayoung thinks that maybe Sojin is right. Maybe this whole process of being heartbroken and feeling like shit and crying her eyes out more often than she’d like is necessary for her to let go of Bora.

She still thinks of Bora of course ― how could she _not_ ? She still has things she wishes she could have asked Bora, things she wished they talked about when they had the chance. A part of her still loves Bora but Nayoung mostly feels _lost_ without her; they’ve been Bora and Nayoung for so long, or for as long as Nayoung could remember, that she doesn’t really remember what it was like to be _just_  Nayoung, _just_  herself. Three months back she would have thought differently: she would have thought that maybe she should have asked or even begged Bora to stay, maybe she should have lied _just one more time_ for the both of their sakes and said that they would work things out, that they would be happily in love again, that she would make Bora love her again the way she always used to. But that isn’t what she thinks now; now, Nayoung thinks she knows a little better than she did before.

Now, Nayoung knows that, yes, she feels empty and she doesn’t feel whole without Bora. Now, she knows that she doesn’t know what it feels like to be complete by herself again because she’d given so much to Bora ― and she doesn’t blame Bora at all for that because given the chance, she honestly would have done it all over again. Now, she knows that she can never really get back the part of herself that she gave to Bora but maybe that’s okay ― she can still try to get her life back together, still try to piece everything back together, like the Japanese art of _kintsugi_.

Nayoung has always known that it was Bora who showed her love and made her understand what it felt like to be in love but now she knows that it was all downhill from there. Now, Nayoung accepts that they were bound to wind up like this, that it had always been inevitable for reasons that neither of them can completely fathom or understand but it’s something that the universe dictates. That’s just how things are sometimes.

Fizzle and fade. Catharsis. Nayoung thinks that she’s not okay now, but maybe Sojin is right and she’s one step closer to being whole again.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Six months. Half a year. Bora still has Nayoung’s number on her phone, but she’s deleted most of the pictures. She keeps the ones that make her heart twist and turn painfully and deletes the rest with some difficulty. These days she thinks she’s doing a little better, smiling and laughing more, going out with Mimi and the others. She gains back some of the weight she’d lost after the break-up, and she starts running again to get back into shape. Her performance at work has gradually gone back to how it used to be too.

It’s around this time that she tries to find herself again. She’d been feeling lost for a long time now and she thought that ending things with Nayoung would be beneficial to the both of them, but thus far all Bora’s felt is a magnified sense of dread and restlessness. When her thoughts keep her up (and this happened way more often than Bota would like), she lets herself drown in them, allows herself to try and process everything.

There are some things she can’t really figure out and there are some things that sting and hurt to think about. However, there are also some things Bora does come to realize along the way. For one, she realizes that she doesn’t know what it feels like to just be _Bora_ and not be Bora _and Nayoung_ ; they’ve always been _Bora and Nayoung_ , and Bora found it difficult just being her individual self, found herself feeling lost and imbalanced. She doesn’t remember what it feels like to be alone because she’s had Nayoung by her side for so long, and maybe that’s why she got a little greedy sometimes ― maybe that’s why she wasn’t afraid to ask and ask from Nayoung, because she knew Nayoung would always give and give. Bora knows Nayoung like the back of her hand, and she knows that sometimes Nayoung can’t really express what she wants to express through words so she had a tendency to pour her heart out into her actions. Nayoung is full of heart and is so giving to a fault. She doesn’t know what it feels like to be alone because Nayoung had always been by her side and had always made her feel loved and wanted, had always given her everything even when she knew it was a lost cause.

Bora has also come to the realization that maybe this was the path that they were meant to head down all along. Nothing so good and so beautiful could possibly last forever, Bora muses. They’d reached the pinnacle of their love, the climax of their story, the top of the mountain that grazed the tips of heaven ― it was only downhill from there. She thinks that a love like that, a love like they used to have, couldn’t possibly be allowed to mere mortals. Hell, maybe even the gods never got to experience such a thing. The were already at the top, so the only way left was down.

Crash and burn. Six months. Half a year. Bora still feels empty. She wonders when she will start to feel like herself again.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

“You’re looking a _fuckton_ better, Kim,” Heehyun says to Nayoung. They’re the only two on the elevator now and Heehyun is smiling, a look of relief on her face.

Nayoung manages a lopsided smile. “Thanks, I guess." 

“You’re welcome, _I guess_ ,” Heehyun replies sarcastically with the eyeroll to match. Then she adds, “No, but really. You’re looking much better now and you look a lot healthier too.”

The elevator doors open and they step out of it together, walking with the same stride. Heehyun fixes her grip on the small file box in her hands. Nayoung says, “I’ve been feeling...better, yeah. I guess I have.”

Heehyun nods. “We were worried sick about you, you know. If Sejeong isn’t talking about how she wishes Somi didn’t have to go back to Canada, she’s talking about how she’s worried you aren’t coping well with the aftermath of the break-up.”

Nayoung shrugs, for lack of better response. “Well,” she replies, “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a complete mess. I like to think I’m doing a little better now, though.” She allows herself a small, bashfully hopeful smile. “I’m getting there, I think." 

Heehyun smiles. “That’s good to hear. ‘Sides, you’re no fun at all when you’re all miserable and shit.”

Nayoung snorts at that but a bubble of laughter escapes her lips. “You never thought I was all that much fun to begin with, anyway.” It’s a good feeling being able to hold conversations like this again, even if she isn’t back to one hundred percent or even half of that. But she’s still a lot better now than she was after the break-up, at least; six months later and she isn’t completely fine but she’s getting _somewhere_. That much she can be proud of, and that much gives her hope.

 

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Nayoung dreams of Bora sometimes. Then, she dreams of her less and less.

Bora dreams of Nayoung sometimes, too, but it doesn’t get any better for her.

 

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People tell Bora that she’s looking a lot better these days but the truth is, Bora feels like she’s back at square one and she’s feeling tenfolds more lost and confused than she did before. The only difference is that now she stops herself from making it obvious that she feels like shit; she’s gotten better at acting okay, or maybe the right way to look at it is that she went back to pretending everything was okay when the opposite was true. She feels like she’s reverted back to how she was a little over seven months ago and she hates herself for it.

People tell Bora she’s looking a lot better these days but she also hears, in hushed conversations, about how Nayoung seems to be doing better too. Mimi and Jaehwan don’t mention Nayoung around her, but they were never very good at resisting the urge to just chatter about things. She knows that their mutual friends still talk to each other and she’s sure they tell each other about how either Bora or Nayoung are doing. She doesn’t hate them for that but she really wishes sometimes that their circle wasn’t so tight or close knit because it made it impossible to detach herself completely from Nayoung. Bora hears about how Sojin helps Nayoung back to her feet, hears about how Nayoung smiles and laughs and cracks her usual horrible jokes again, hears _are Sojin and Nayoung a thing now? I hear they’re practically glued to the hip_ and _they’re best friends, right? and isn’t it too early for that?_ Bora shuts out their voices eventually, but her heart feels heavy in her chest.

Bora’s life is... _mechanical_ for the most part. Her life is just a series of routine she doesn’t necessarily dislike but she doesn’t necessarily enjoy them either. Bora feels like a wind-up doll every morning ― her spring is wound and she wakes up like clockwork, goes about her day like a robot in disguise as a human and just passes out when she gets home, the way any wind-up toy eventually loses its momentum. Then, the next morning, her spring is wound again. Rinse and repeat.

Bora feels all empty and hollow on the inside. Simultaneously though she feels dazed and confused and so, so lost. She also still feels painfully imbalanced. Work keeps her busy enough that she doesn’t think so much about it but it’s her quiet times at home with nothing to do that she hates (and admittedly fears) the most. There’s nothing to stop her from feeling all these things tenfold, a _hundredfold_. There’s nothing to stop her thoughts from taunting her and suffocating her. There’s nothing to stop her from aching for Nayoung’s presence again, from wanting Nayoung to be by her side and hold her hand through all this.

Bora comes to eventually hate the night, because that’s when her walls crumble and break and she is at her weakest. In the morning, though, it’s like starting all over again ― or, no; honestly it’s more like starting over the same day again and again, stuck in perpetual loop. She breaks down in the night only to be built back up in the morning, then she follows the same routines with mechanical precision and it goes on and on and on, again and again and again.

She’s talking to Mimi now and Bora wants to ask _does Nayoung ever talk about me? does she ask about me?_ but she stops herself because she doesn’t know if she really wants to know the answer, or if she’s even ready for the possibility of Mimi to say _no_.

 

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Eight months. Almost a year. That’s how long it’s been and Nayoung can honestly say that she’s much better now than she was before. It’s now that she can also say that she has fully accepted that she and Bora are truly no more and that she can’t keep holding on to what they had anymore.

Sojin helps her sell some of the furniture and other things in the apartment. Nayoung sells off the ones that remind her too much of Bora, like the coffee table that had a dent in it because of the two of them and they had to buy it to appease the manager of the coffee shop, or the coffee machine that made the ungodliest and most irritating of noises sometimes but it was their first ever coffee machine so neither of them had it in them to throw it out or sell it. Sojin puts them up online and asks around for anyone interested and by the end of two weeks they’ve sold at least half of it. The apartment feels a little empty at first, a little odd, and Nayoung takes a while to adjust to the new coffee machine (sleek and from a European brand, because Sojin was picky and very particular like that) and the blank space left behind by the coffee table, but she gets by. Truthfully, she feels liberated.

Nayoung has Sojin to thank for holding her hand through it and helping her make the tough decisions when she didn’t feel strong enough to make them. Sojin, despite her overly angelic appearances, was never one to beat around the bush; she was straightforward and brash, brusque sometimes even, and she never liked to sugarcoat things if she could help it. She was painfully honest and Nayoung thinks that maybe that was what she needed to help her: a voice of reason, someone who could show her that the pain she felt was just temporary and that she had to get up off her ass and actually do something about it. Of course, Haebin and the others helped too but Sojin was still the biggest factor in it.

Eight months. The wounds haven’t completely healed yet but they don’t hurt as much anymore. Sometimes, she hardly even feels them anymore.

 

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Bora slows down as she rounds the corner and walks the rest of the way back to her apartment, chest heaving and skin slick with sweat. She pulls out her headphones and stretches her neck as she walks. She passes by a food stall and buys a bottle of water, downing half of it within seconds of opening it.

Just as she’s about to step into the apartment building, she catches the girl who works at the coffee shop right across looking at her. She always did, Bora had observed. Bora normally went for a run after she got back from work and she assumes that the girl’s shift started around the same time because it was a different girl who worked the morning shift. Anyhow, she always found that girl watching her or looking at her and then she’d shyly look away whenever Bora looked her way. Today Bora throws a small smile the girl’s way and the girl, though surprised at first, smiles back. _She’s pretty_ , Bora thinks as she enters the apartment.

After she takes a shower, Bora heats up a few slices of pizza for dinner; it’s a bad habit she’s picked up from her substantial amount of time spent with Xiening. She turns on the TV and idly watches the news while chewing on her pizza (Hawaiian, Xiening’s favorite). She finds her mind drifting to the girl at the coffee shop.

Bora knows it isn’t a stretch for her to think that the girl could be interested in her. Then she thinks about how _easy_ it could be ― easy to woo her over enough and charm her enough to get her in bed with Bora. Bora frowns; she scolds herself for even thinking of such a thing. _You don’t need to drag anyone else into your problems_. But she can’t stop herself from thinking about it.

No, she isn’t looking for a relationship and given how much of a mess she’s been, she really didn’t want to subject someone else into her misery. That didn’t mean she didn’t miss human companionship or craved another person’s touch, if only to be reminded what it’s like to even be with someone. And it isn’t like she’s a stranger to one night stands; she’s had her fair share of one night stands and flings before she met Nayoung. So what’s making her hesitate now? What’s making the idea of sleeping with someone (someone else, someone who isn’t Nayoung) just for the sake of having sex so repulsive to her?

Bora finishes the pizza and turns off the TV. When she goes to bed, she finds herself thinking of Nayoung again (though that comes as no surprise anymore). Memories of their first time flood her mind and it makes her feel a pang of sadness. Nayoung, always so shy and so earnest, with her fumbling hands and flushed cheeks. And Bora ― she remembers the erratic beating of her heart, the sharp inhales of breath, the feeling of having every muscle in her body wind and unwind. Most of all, she remembers how different it felt with Nayoung than it did with anyone else. Neither of them were new to it, but at the same they still felt the rush of nervous excitement, then there were the giddy and unbelieving smiles the next morning. It felt different to be with Nayoung, to be under Nayoung’s fingertips. Bora sighs and squeezes her eyes shut, forcing herself to go to sleep.

The next day when she comes back to the apartment after a run, she sees the girl at the coffee shop again, staring at her. Bora smiles her way again, if only to be polite. She’s decided that she isn’t really interested in the girl after all, and she thinks she probably won’t be interested in anyone else either for a long time.

 

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Tonight they go out for barbecue. Sejeong teases Nayoung and says, “You should try getting back in the dating game!” Heehyun nods her head in agreement and jokingly (at least Nayoung _thinks_ she means it in a joking manner) suggests setting her up on blind dates or even making a profile for her on the biggest dating sites in the country. Sojin snorts at that and Nayoung laughs. Nayoung just replies, “I don’t think I’m ready to jump into a relationship again just yet.” And really, she isn’t. If anything, she wants to spend some time alone before she jumps into a new relationship.

When dinner is over, Nayoung and Sojin head back to Nayoung’s apartment. Nayoung pulls out two cans of beer from the fridge ― again, Sojin’s pick (“If I’m going to be hanging around your place so much you should at least have a stock of beer that doesn’t taste like shit”) ― and hands one to Sojin. They sit on the couch drinking their beer, even though they’d had their fair share of soju just earlier on. Out of the blue, Sojin asks, “Did you mean what you said earlier?”

Nayoung turns to look at Sojin. “Which?”

“The part about not wanting to get into a new relationship yet,” Sojin replies. “Did you mean that?”

Nayoung shrugs. “Yeah, guess so. I mean, I’ve still got a lot of work to do on myself before I can even throw myself back out there. And it hasn’t even been a year yet since the break-up, so I think it’s a little too soon for me to go around finding a new girlfriend.”

Sojin hums in agreement. She takes a sip of her beer and says, nonchalant, “You don’t exactly need to be looking for a new girlfriend, you know. None of us are gonna put it against you for just hooking up with someone.”

Nayoung laughs. “Just leave all this stuff to me. I’ll figure it out eventually.”

“More like you’ll try to figure it out and come running to me for help,” Sojin retorts. “That’s exactly what you did with ―” Sojin clears her throat, catching herself before she says Bora’s name.

“You can say her name, you know,” Nayoung says, a little weary but it’s more of a ghost of the weariness she used to feel whenever someone mentioned Bora. It doesn’t really have any real weight on her anymore. “It’s not like I’ll spontaneously combust right here in front of you if you say her name.”

Sojin’s lips curl into a smile when she hears that. “Look at you, finally moving on. I told you my methods were one hundred percent effective.”

“You’re horrible a lot of times,” Nayoung says, “but I’ll let you have this one and admit that yeah, you were right. _I guess_.” 

Sojin half-heartedly flips Nayoung the bird and they fall into a fit of laughter.

 

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When Bora boarded the bus, she didn’t really have any particular destination in mind. She honestly doesn’t even really know why she decided to board it in the first place. Her mind is unfocused for most of the ride, so much so that she doesn’t even realize she’s inadvertently gotten off at the bus stop nearest her and Nayoung’s first date destination. It feels like her feet have a mind of their own, bringing her back to the park ( _their_ park, or at least it used to be), despite every part of her screaming at her to stop and take the next bus home. She can’t stop herself even she tried, though, and it leaves her with a sense of dread and, worst of all, nostalgia.

Everything about this park reminds Bora of Nayoung. She passes by a new food stall where a takoyaki stall used to be and remembers how she had carelessly popped a burning hot piece of takoyaki into her mouth and how she had tears in her eyes from how hot it was; Nayoung laughed at her for a solid five minutes before she bought Bora water to soothe the burning in her mouth. Nayoung would make fun of her for that some time after, but she would always say it was one of the cutest and most amusing things she’d ever seen. When she spots an ice cream vendor, she buys one ice cream in Nayoung’s favorite flavor, which ironically turned out to be the one Bora disliked the most but she had grown to love it over the course of their relationship. Nayoung liked buying huge tubs of the thing and more often than not, Bora had no choice but to eat it. She wouldn’t admit it at first to Nayoung that she’d grown to hate the flavor a little less until she actually started to genuinely like it (“Only because it reminds me of you,” Bora said, an attempt at half an excuse, but Nayoung had smiled anyway and kissed her).

Bora walks around the park aimlessly, her mind drifting back and forth between memories. She can’t help the smile that tugs on her lips when she remembers how Nayoung almost got a heart attack just trying to hold her hand; Nayoung had shyly and unsurely reached for Bora’s hand, and Bora had intertwined their fingers. Nayoung’s face lit up with a smile and so had Bora’s, and they were both flushed in the cheeks. Bora’s favorite part was how they swung their hands between them like two schoolgirls, a skip in their steps and their cheeks burning from how wide their smiles were. In the end she kissed Nayoung on the tip of her nose because of how endearingly earnest she was. That was and always will be one of the things Bora loved best about Nayoung ― it was so easy for Nayoung to come off as cold and aloof but it took Bora by surprise to discover how awkward and unsure of herself Nayoung was most of the time, and it surprised her more to find out just how dorky and funny (usually unintentionally) she could be.

Bora’s smile fades as quickly as it appeared. She heaves a heavy sigh. Children run past her, full of glee, and she passes by a number of couples, all of which who look happy and in love. She can’t help the envy that gnaws at her heart. She hates how the park makes her think of Nayoung ― Nayoung and her smile and her dimples and that snort she does when she laughs too hard and how she has such horrible jokes but the look on her face is so expectant and hopeful that Bora ends up laughing anyway. At the same time, however, that’s what makes her love it so much.

Once again, it feels as though her feet have a mind of their own as they drag her in front of the ferris wheel she and Nayoung rode and where they had their first kiss. Bora stares up at it forlornly but she lines up to get on it, anyway, because apparently today she wants to further prove to herself how much of a masochist she actually is. A few minutes of waiting later and the previous riders step off one by one until all the ferris wheel’s carriages are empty. She follows the procession of the line until she finally gets to step into one of the carriages by herself; the operator gives her a strange look as she does and Bora returns the look, only to realize later on after she looks at the rest of the people in line that she’s the only loner. In some cruel twist by the universe, everyone else in the line had someone else with them and worst of all, a majority of them were couples. Fantastic.

Once all the carriages are filled up the ferris wheel starts moving in a leisurely pace and though it does nothing to ease the tension Bora feels, it does make her mind wander again. She stares out at the scenery blankly, too absorbed in nostalgia; Nayoung had kissed her here in this very ferris wheel, slow and lingering and it felt like the moment could last forever. Sure, you could call it cliché (and it honestly really was anyway), but they wouldn’t have had it any other way. Bora loved everything about it, clichés and all. She still loves it and she doesn’t know if she can ever stop loving it. She asks herself why she even left in the first place, but she knows the answer(s) very well: she couldn’t keep pretending they were okay anymore, and as selfish as it sounded, she didn’t want to get left behind so she left first. She reasons to herself too that she did it because she didn’t want to see Nayoung get even more hurt because of her, but she knows Nayoung would never be the first to leave so she had to take the burden for the both of them. It sounds plausible enough, sounds logical enough. Her mind bounces back and forth between thoughts and reasoning and trying to piece together everything but all it leaves Bora with is a headache. She squeezes her eyes shut and pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Miss, are you okay?”

Bora opens her eyes and is surprised to find the ferris wheel conductor looking at her in concern, a mother and her daughter behind him waiting to get into Bora’s carriage. Bora hadn’t even realized she had her eyes shut for that long, but she isn’t really surprised by that either because she was so distracted all day anyway.

When Bora doesn’t looks back at the conductor blankly, he asks again, “Are you okay, miss?” Then sheepishly he murmurs “You’re, um…”

Bora remembers that time with Hongbin and she feels her cheeks ― just like last time, they are wet with tears. Bora collects herself and manages a weak smile at the conductor, says “Yeah, I’m okay” and promptly steps out of the carriage. Head down, she walks past the line of people, furiously wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. It’s starting to irritate her, this new habit of hers to just cry without even realizing it until someone has to point it out for her.

Bora walks and walks until she plops down on one of the park benches. She tilts her head up to look at the night sky, black as tar and dotted with stars here and there. The moon looks a tad bit dull tonight, at least to Bora anyway. Groups of people pass by her and she wants to stop herself but she can’t help it ― with every person that passes by, women especially, Bora finds herself hoping beyond all hope that it will be Nayoung. It’s so selfish and so stupid of her to want such a thing, but she couldn’t stop herself from wanting it even if she tried. This park was ― it pains her to have to look at it in past tense ― special to the two of them, so it wasn’t exactly a farfetched idea that Nayoung would want to visit.  Bora wrings her hands. She knows she wants Nayoung to just come running out of nowhere right here and now because she wants Nayoung to win and woo her back, to tell her the break-up was a mistake and that she would fight for Bora, to make her feel important and loved again. She wants Nayoung to tell her that she’s been forgiven for what she did. _How selfish can you be?_ she asks herself, disgusted. _You have no right to want that anymore, especially when you’re the one who left first and when you’re the one that broke her heart_.

The crowd thins out, less people pass by and Bora gives up on hoping that Nayoung will come around. Bora cries the hardest she’s cried in a long time.

 

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Sojin manages to drag Nayoung along with her to a party Sanghyuk is throwing and it’s honestly the most fun Nayoung has had in so long. Sojin and Wonshik actually drink Haebin under the table ― a rarity because Haebin was always good enough at holding her liquor ― and Sejeong records it all on her phone. Nayoung’s cheeks are sore and her stomach hurts from how much she’s been laughing.

His arm slung across her shoulders, Sanghyuk introduces Nayoung to a friend of his and she’s _gorgeous_ ; shoulder length hair, chestnut-colored if Nayoung wasn’t mistaken, lashes for days and a sweet smile. Sanghyuk gives Nayoung a knowing smile before he leaves them be and gives her two thumbs up when he’s some distance away.

They’re glued to the hip for the remainder of the night, giggling between themselves when Haebin looks like she’s about to throw a half-empty bottle of vodka at Wonshik or when Sojin starts yelling incoherent things in _satoori_ and ends up kissing the bartender full on her open mouth. The room erupts in cheers, Haebin spills the vodka on the front of Wonshik’s shirt and by the end of the night Nayoung has the girl’s number scribbled on the back of her hand.

 

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Bora is guilty; she’s guilty of wanting Nayoung back because she just doesn’t want to be alone, because she doesn’t know how to be alone. She’s guilty of having known this for some time now and she’s guilty of breaking Nayoung’s heart and she’s guilty of so many other things too.

A part of her thinks that maybe she still did love Nayoung, still was _in love_ with her to be specific, but sometimes she can’t even reconcile her mind with that thought and the many opposing ones. A tiny part of her tells her that maybe if she’d just stuck it out a little longer then the love she had buried down in the recesses of her heart would resurface again, but then her mind tells her that she’s just trying to lie to herself to make her feel a little less guilty about being selfish and maybe even a little pathetic.

Bora learns to live with the guilt, but only because it’s the only thing she can do.

 

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Come Christmas, Bora takes a cab back to her parents’ house and decides to spend the rest of the holiday with them. Her mother whips up her favorite dishes and Bora stuffs her face with them. Her parents don’t ask about Nayoung and she supposes it’s because they can already tell what had happened; she’s thankful they don’t ask because she doesn’t want anything to ruin how peaceful and cheerful things are back at home with them. She feels at peace for now, laughing easily and she doesn’t think much about everything that troubles her. New Year’s eve is a quiet family affair and that’s alright with her; she doesn’t need much festivities anyway.

Come New Year’s eve, Nayoung takes one shot too many at the coaxing of Sojin and Wonshik; now she knows how Haebin felt. But that’s alright because she’s having fun and everyone ― meaning their almost complete group of friends and Somi, who came back for the holidays ― around her is having fun. The girl from Sanghyuk’s party arrives an hour midnight and she immediately slides into the chair beside Nayoung; there are wolf whistles from Sejeong and Haebin and Sojin announces that drinks are on her. They count down the seconds til midnight and when the clock strikes twelve, the girl kisses Nayoung.

 

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After the craze of the holidays, everything dies down and everyone settles back into their usual routines. Everyone is abuzz at work, their spirits and energy renewed by the holidays. Bora feels better too, though she misses her parents a little more now.

The rest of January goes by like the blink of an eye, and then it’s February, and March serves as the one year mark since the break-up. Bora finds herself hurting a little less now, though her mind still torments her every now and then. Other than those few instances, she’s doing fine mostly. Jaehwan suggests setting her up with one of his friends who works as a model or if she wasn’t into the model types then he could always set her up with another friend, but she turns his offer down gently, brushing it off with a soft laugh. “I’m not ready for that yet, not really,” she says and he shrugs and replies, “If you say so.”

Bora thinks she isn’t doing so bad, not that much anymore anyway. She feels relieved because she doesn’t think she can be miserable any longer than she already has been, and she isn’t keen on outdoing herself or anyone else in the misery department. Over lunch Xiening smiles and tells her she looks a lot better now and notes how her smiles are much warmer too; Mimi says the same thing, looking every bit as relieved as Bora herself.

Bora finally feels like she’s starting to become herself again, but of course somehow the universe manages to stick its nose in her business and meddle. 

This meddling comes in the form of an art gallery, or the opening of one anyway. Xiening’s artist friend is having his collection in display for a limited amount of time, and people scramble to get invites to the opening night because of how prominent an artist he is back in China. Bora knows that maybe less than half (or less than even that) actually know anything or genuinely care about art, but she lets them be. Xiening, having grown up with the artist, is of course invited and in turn she invited Bora to tag along. Bora found no reasons to decline the invitation, so that’s how she finds herself here now, standing in front of a painting she can’t quite understand, in a dress more expensive than any other dresses she’s ever owned and in heels that are slowly killing her feet.

Xiening leaves her to chat with her friend so Bora wanders around the gallery, taking in as much details on the paintings as she can. She didn’t know all that much about art but she does know how to enjoy looking at it. She continues walking around in a leisurely pace, observing every painting she passes, until someone catches her eye.

She thinks that maybe her eyes are playing tricks on her but when she walks a little further and cranes her neck to get a much better look, she feels her heart stop for a fraction of a second. _It’s her_ , Bora thinks, her mind erratic. _It’s really her_ . Bora swallows down the lump in her throat and makes her way through the other guests. _It’s really her_. Ever since the break-up, the two of them had done a decent job at avoiding each other at all costs, and Bora has avoided any form of contact with their mutual friends, so being in this situation now is...strange, and even a little unbelievable to Bora. It dawns on her just how much she wants to talk to Nayoung, exactly like how they used to. She thinks that maybe this is her chance to...her chance to...

She’s about to call out “Nayoung!” when she sees another girl sidle up to Nayoung, her shoulder length hair falling around her face like a curtain. She has a lovely smile and it’s directed at Nayoung, who smiles back with the same warmth. Time seems to stop right then and there and all Bora can see is Nayoung and the other girl. Shoulders slumped, Bora turns around and walks the opposite direction of Nayoung, throwing one last glance at her over her shoulder. It feels like the bandaid has been yanked off of her wound, leaving it raw and painful again.

On their way home, Xiening notices the evident shift in Bora’s mood and asks, “Is something wrong?”

Bora manages a sad smile. “No. Everything is fine.”

 

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Bora doesn’t cry. She doesn’t cry or beat herself up about seeing Nayoung with someone new. Yes, she feels a pang of sadness gnaw at her heart, but it isn’t the kind that is unbearable and suffocating. It isn’t the kind of sadness she’s felt for over a year after the break-up. It isn’t the kind of sadness that’s bone-deep and leaves you feeling void of anything. No, it’s none of that; it’s kind of like residual sadness, or the kind you feel when you reminisce about a first love or something from what felt like ages and ages ago. Or a resigned kind of sadness. It isn’t white hot pain anymore but it still stings a little.

No, Bora doesn’t cry and eventually she slight sting she feels fades away too.

 

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Nayoung is happy.

Bora learns to be happy again.

 

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Somewhere along the way Bora decides that she needs to take a break from, well, _everything_. So she goes on leave ― for how long exactly, she actually doesn’t know ― and packs just enough. She spends a day with her parents before she hits the airport. She doesn’t know where the wind will take her but that’s okay because she’ll just figure it as she goes.

(“How long will you be gone for?” Mimi had asked her, sniffling. Always the sentimental one, Mimi was. 

Bora shrugged. “I don’t really know. A few months, a year at most? Dunno, really.”

Mimi wouldn’t let go of her for a solid five minutes after that, still sniffling.) 

Nayoung hears about Bora’s sudden trip and ponders on it. It’s an impulsive decision but it isn’t entirely unlikely of Bora to do. If anything, Nayoung is relieved Bora is taking some time to herself, some time away from everything. Nothing, not even heartbreak, could stop Nayoung from worrying about Bora, and nothing will ever change that. 

(“I think it’ll be good for her,” Nayoung had said to Haebin. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Nayoung nodded, then she allowed herself a small smile. “I think she needs to have her own _Eat, Pray, Love_. She always did like that movie, too.” 

“Everyone does have their own way of, I dunno, _healing_ , I guess,” Haebin mumbled. “Hers sounds a million times better than yours though, you horrible fucking drunk.”)

 

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Bora comes back after a few months; Mimi and Xiening pick her up at the airport and whisk her away to a barbecue restaurant right away, eagerly asking her about her trip. She tells her everything she can tell them with how much they’re excitedly talking over her and she smiles to herself before pulling both of them into a hug. She’s missed them loads and she’s missed Korea. 

They’re stuffing their faces with all the beef within sight when Mimi says to Bora, “Oh, Sejeong’s throwing a little get-together for her birthday and she was wondering if you could make it. Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course, because Nayoung will be there, too.”

Xiening and Mimi look at Bora curiously and it makes Bora chuckle to herself. “Come on,” she says. “Don’t look at me like that!”

Xiening smiles. “You can’t really blame is for it though, can you?”

Bora shrugs. “I suppose. But you guys have nothing to worry about, okay? I’m not gonna spontaneously combust just at the mention of her name. It’s been more than a year already, so I’m fine.” 

Mimi purses her lips. “So, do I tell Sejeong…”

“Tell her I’ll be available,” Bora replies, nodding. “I probably won’t be able to stay too long, though, because I’ve got a lot of stuff to catch up on and do here. It’s this weekend already, right?” 

Mimi and Xiening both nod. Simultaneously, their eyes land on the last strips of beef.Bora quickly reaches for the last three stips of beef before either of her companions can and shoves it into her mouth, smiling cheekily. Mimi and Xiening both groan ― “You’ve been hogging the food all to yourself already! You could have let us have the last few pieces!” ― and Bora bursts into laughter.

 

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.

 

.

 

It feels like forever since she’s last seen Sejeong, Haebin and the others. Admittedly, she’d started to feel antsy and anxious because she didn’t really know how the others would feel about her. They were all mutual friends of Bora’s and Nayoung’s, but Bora couldn’t help herself from feeling a little nervous. All her doubts wash away after she steps in and they greet her warmly as ever ― they tell her she looks great, that they love the shade of burgundy her hair is now and her haircut, that her tan is amazing. She’s the weariest of Sojin because Sojin is Nayoung’s best friend and probably had the best reason to dislike her the most, but when Sojin sees her she smiles and treats Bora like how she always would. Bora lets out a sigh of relief.

It isn’t until much later that Nayoung arrives. _She looks good_ , Bora thinks. It tugs at her heartstrings to see Nayoung smiling like how she used to when they started dating, that twinkle in her eyes and this warm glow about her. Bora is getting some more drinks from the fridge when Nayoung walks up to her, placing her hands on Bora’s shoulders; Bora jumps back in surprise and nearly drops the two bottles of beer on her foot. Nayoung snorts as she starts laughing and Bora ends up laughing too. 

“Hey,” Nayoung says with just a pinch of shyness. 

Bora places the bottles on the kitchen counter and smiles with familiar fondness. “Hey.” 

Nayoung leans against the kitchen counter. “How’ve you been?” she asks. “I heard you went all _Eat, Pray, Love_ for a couple of months.” 

Bora chuckles. “That’s a fancy way to look at it, and it wasn’t exactly fancy for the most part. But...I’ve been good, yeah. How about you?”

“I’ve been alright,” Nayoung replies. She looks at the two bottles and scrunches her nose. “You’re drinking all that?” 

Bora rolls her eyes and lightly shoves Nayoung by the shoulder. It’s strange how they can fall back into this state of comfortable familiarity, especially after everything they’ve been through ( _after everything I put Nayoung through_ , Bora thinks to herself in the back of her mind), but it’s a nice feeling, too. “It’s for Sejeong and Haebin. They’re trying to see who can drink more.” She pauses then adds, “Obviously Sejeong is gonna win this one." 

“She always does.”

They fall silent for some time and Bora asks, “Where’s your girl? Couldn’t make it?” All of it sounds so foreign to Bora and she says it with some difficulty, but she doesn’t feel her chest tighten at the thought of it anymore. 

“How’d you know?” Nayoung asks, surprised.

Bora doesn’t tell Nayoung about the art gallery. Instead she answers, “Oh, I just heard it from the others. It came up earlier.” 

Nayoung gazes at her studiously for a few heartbeats then the corner of her lip tugs upward into a lopsided smile. “Yeah, she’s pretty busy. What about you? Got anyone new in your life?” 

Bora shakes her head. “I’m thinking of adopting a dog, though.” 

Nayoung smiles wider. “You’ve wanted to have a pet dog since you were, like, eleven and now you’re probably finally gonna get one.” 

“It’s too many years overdue!”

They laugh for a bit but then they fall back into silence again. It isn’t a very uncomfortable silence but Bora can feel all the burden and weight in it ― things unsaid, questions left unasked and unanswered. It feels like an eternity to Bora, this little waiting game they’re having. Finally, Bora says, “You know, some time after we broke up, I went back to the park we had our first date at.” 

Nayoung’s expression is even. “What were you doing there?” 

Bora sighs then shrugs. “I don’t really know. I just...went there, without anything in mind. I was in such a haze that I didn’t even realize what I was doing.” She pauses. “When I was there, I couldn’t help but think of you ― everything reminded me of you. How could it not, right? I wandered around the park and _God_ , it sucked being surrounded by so many couples when I felt so miserable.” She chuckles but it sounds empty. “Remember that takoyaki stall from before?” 

Nayoung snickers. “Of course I do. You burnt your entire mouth when you shoved a piping hot piece of takoyaki into your mouth. You probably drank an entire gallon of water after that.” 

“That stall isn’t there anymore, but the ice cream vendor there is still the same. They still have your favorite ice cream too.”

“You still eat the flavor I like?” 

“Well, I’ve grown to actually really like it. You know that.” 

Nayoung smiles a little smugly at that, the same way she had back then too. It makes Bora smile too.

“I rode that ferris wheel, too,” Bora continues. “The view of the river from the ferris wheel is as pretty as I remember it being.” 

“I haven’t been there in a while. Maybe I should stop by when I get the chance.” 

“With your girlfriend?”

Nayoung smiles a small smile and shakes her head. “No, not with her.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s _ours_ , Bora. I don’t think I can share that with anyone else, not yet anyway.”

Bora is taken aback by Nayoung’s response, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she reaches for one of the beer bottles on the kitchen counter and pops the cap off, taking a sip. She takes the other one and offers it to Nayoung, who takes it with a mumbled _thank you_. They stand shoulder to shoulder, taking sips of their beer in silence. After some time, Bora softly says, “I’m sorry.”

Nayoung stays quiet but she reaches for Bora’s hand without hesitation, gently intertwining their fingers. She gives Bora’s hand a squeeze. Their hands still fit perfectly together they way they always did. “I don’t regret a single thing, you know,” Nayoung confesses. “Not even after...things just took a nosedive for us, and not even after you fell out of love with me.”

Bora turns to look at Nayoung. “Nayoung…”

“Hey, it’s alright. It happens. People fall in and out of love, we get our hearts broken every now and then. That’s just life for you, a necessary evil of sorts.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, guess so. To be honest with you, I didn’t really think I’d be able to get on with my life again after you left. I cried my eyes out and lost sleep but I came to realize that it was all just a part of it.” Nayoung takes a sip of beer. “Sometimes you need to break down and fall apart before you can build yourself back up again.”

Bora chuckles. “Did you make that up or did you get that from Sojin?”

“Hey, I can be creative too, you know.” Nayoung gives Bora a toothy grin, dimples and all. Then she says, “I was worried about you after the break-up. I was worried you’d beat yourself up over it, and I guess between the two of us, you had a lot more to sort out.” She places her bottle back on the kitchen counter and rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “Before we broke up, all I could think about was wanting to know what was going on in your head. Admittedly, I still wish I knew.”

Bora tilts her head. “Sometimes I wish I knew what was going on in my head, too,” she replies, half-joking. “Most of the time my mind was just a mess and it threw me into this emotional rollercoaster. I mostly just felt angry and lost, and then I started to feel really empty. Not numb, but empty and all hollow on the inside.” She lets her words sink in for a moment and continues, “I spent all those months just trying to piece everything together ― not that I did all that great a job at it. Still, it was something.” 

Nayoung listens intently. Then, she asks, “Have you got it figured out now, at least?”

“I’d like to think so. I’m feeling a lot better now, like all the burden from my shoulders have been lifted.” Bora sighs. “Still, I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Stop apologizing,” Nayoung says with a click of her tongue. “You don’t have to.” 

They’re stuck looking at each other, hands still clasped, when Haebin calls, “Bora, what’s taking you so long?” She walks in and stops halfway when she sees Nayoung and Bora together. She clears her throat awkwardly. “Sorry, didn’t know you two were…”

Bora slips her hand out of Nayoung’s. “That’s alright,” she says. Her eyes land on the bottles of beer that were supposed to be for Haebin and Sejeong, the ones they ended up drinking. She smiles sheepishly. “Whoops?” Beside her, Nayoung laughs.

Haebin’s eyes dart back and forth between Nayoung and Bora. In the end, she just sighs. She walks past them towards the fridge and grabs a few bottles herself, throwing them a peace sign over her shoulder as she walks away. Once she’s out of sight, Bora says to Nayoung, “I think I should get going. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow so I can’t stay too late.”

Nayoung opens her mouth to say something but she doesn’t say whatever it is she had meant to say. Instead she nods and offers Bora a smile. “It’s nice seeing you again,” she says, warmly and sincerely

“It was nice seeing you, too,” Bora answers. She presses a kiss onto Nayoung's cheek. “I wish you all the best.” Bora gives her hand one last squeeze before she walks past her. 

Nayoung’s eyes follow her movement, her hand reaching up to touch her cheek, right on the spot Bora had kissed. Suddenly she says, “You’ll always keep a part of me, you know. Nothing can ever change that.”

Bora stops but she doesn’t look back when she says,  “And you’ll always have a part of me.”

Bora bids their friends goodbye on her way out. When she steps out of the apartment building, she smiles to herself.

 

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Bora takes a cab back to her apartment and she sinks back into the backseat of the cab. The music playing on the radio relaxes her and she asks the cab driver to turn up the volume. He does without question and they don’t talk much to each other after that.

She lets her mind process her conversation with Nayoung, allows herself some time to let it all really sink in. She hadn’t really thought about this moment before; of course, she knew then that it would be inevitable that they would have to see each other again and talk, but she never really knew what to expect it to be like. Bora from a year ago probably would have had a negative outlook on it, so consumed still by the dreadful things she’d been feeling. Suffice to say, Bora is still relieved that it went as well as it did and that both she and Nayoung seemed to be in a good place now in their lives. In fact, it was the most natural and most comfortable the two of them had been in quite a while. It almost felt like they were who they were when they first met, back at square one. That didn’t negate everything they had just gone through or all the hurt that came with it, but still, it felt nice to be able to be like that with Nayoung again, even if just briefly. 

Bora hands the driver her payment and hops out of the cab. She leisurely walks into the apartment, deciding to take the stairs up to her floor; she doesn’t really know why she would even want to do such a thing but she does it on impulse. She throws a smile at the sleepy security guard and he raises a hand up in greeting.

She fixes up some hot chocolate for herself ― a little something to help chase away the remnants of the alcohol in her system. She welcomes the warm feeling against her throat, whatever exhaustion she felt dissipating. Bora takes a few more eager sips then places the mug down on the table, her fingers wrapped loosely around it. With her free hand she reaches up to touch her lips, fingertips grazing them lightly. She brings the mug back up to her lips, and her lips curl into a smile. Contentedly, she finishes the last drops of her hot chocolate.

Nayoung was right: they _would_ be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> lol i'm sorry


End file.
